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Why did we lose our intimacy in our relationship? Sex advice for couples

Personal Sex Advice by Deni | Edited by Samarel

Dear Deni

I have a question about my sexual relationship with my partner. I have been with my girlfriend now for about 6 years. I love her more than anything and we have been through so much together.

During the past few years our sex lives have really gone downhill that spark and urge for one another isn’t always there and I think it is because we just fell into a boring everyday routine and stressing out all of the about money and lots of other things. We both love each other very much and really want this to work so I was just hoping for any suggestions, tips, techniques, things to do, to get us back to where we use to be. You know when you just can’t keep your hands off of each other.

If you have any more questions for me or just need more information just let me know. I really need help. I want to have our hot sex lives back and I know she does too!



Dear Josh,

The loss of mental intimacy is a sad thing when it happens to a previously loving and contented couple. This estrangement can happen for a number of reasons. Let’s discuss a few of the most prevalent reasons.

Planning your mental and physical intimacy

Many couples get so busy that they no longer take time to plan mental and physical intimacy. They stop looking forward to being together, to making love, to talking about their days, including what made them feel good and what hurt their feelings. And when you stop looking forward to those things that are a result of looking forward to being together, your body is no longer "primed for action" when you get home.

Therefore, unless the couple again starts thinking ahead, planning their evenings to culminate in making love or having those wonderfully fulfilling discussion of their hectic days, their thoughts become more and more private until, after time, they are no longer comfortable sharing their most private thoughts. The rest of the relationship, including sex, follows the gradual decline of mental intimacy.

Losing trust in each other

Another reason that couples drift apart is that there could have been events, sometimes financial, in which one person loses trust in their partner. Most couples have different attitudes about money, or how to handle grief, or how to handle in-laws, and almost every other thing in life. If one of them feels like their views or wishes are more often than not disregarded, their feelings of wanting to be intimate will decline and eventually disappear. Obviously, the whole relationship has to be going well, or intimacy declines. Compromise, carefully thought through, discussed and agreed to, then followed up on, can result in a better relationship.

There could be "another person" in one of your lives. If so, the affected person often no longer wants to be intimate with their current partner any more. In effect, they have already moved on.

There could be physical reasons, such a pain, or aches, or fears about disease, which could rob a couple of the combined will to be intimate. Few people are in the mood for sex if they have systemic pain hour after hour, day after day.

People change, you know...

Sometimes one or the other person simply "grows up". Women have a distinct change around the age of thirty, and then again at the age of menopause. Men usually change, "become a man", around twenty-four to twenty-eight years of age, and then may have a "mid-life crisis" at forty-five. Often these "life changes" include a change in long term goals, what a person likes and doesn’t like, or what they approve of for personal behavior in others. Any of these conditions can result in the couple "growing apart".

And then of course, there is the fact that the longer you are around someone, the better you know them. One or both of the partners may decide that they no longer like or respect the other person.

All of these situations will most likely altar the will to be intimate with their partner.

You need an open communication

The solution of course, to all of these, is honest and open communication. If BOTH partners will honestly agree to work through whatever issues have arisen, ANY couple can again experience the wonderful intimacy that gives any relationship that warm fuzzy feeling that must be there for a couple to enjoy sexual relations. But it is hard work, and requires brutally honest yet sensitively worded communication.

I wish you luck, and fortitude, Josh. There is nothing better in life than a satisfying, nourishing love life.

Personal Sex Advice for Better Life

Disclaimer: The information contained herein is for educational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for the diagnosis or treatment of any health problem, whether it be physical or psychological. Consult your physician or a licensed medical professional for a detailed diagnosis of your particular medical problem. PSA guide assumes no responsibility for how this material is used.



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