Tired of Being the One Who Always Has to Ask for Sex?
Why Begging for Sexual Contact Hurts So Much. A 'Dear Deni' relationship tip from our 'Intimacy and Relationships' collection
Dear Deni,
My boyfriend and I have been together about 8 years. We don't have sex unless I ask for it, and it's starting to feel like I'm begging. I've talked to him about it many times, and nothing ever changes.
When I do ask, it happens, and we've never had a problem there. But lately he seems irritated. He doesn't say it out loud, but I can feel it in the way he acts. I'm always the one who initiates, and honestly, I don't feel like I know how to do it well. I don't mind starting things once in a while, but all the time? Just once I'd like him to reach for me first, to show me he really wants me.
I actually feel worse afterward than I did before. It's like he's there, but he's not there. I'm not enjoying it anymore. Please help.
Angela
Dear Angela,
Before anything else, I want you to hear this: you are not needy, and you are not too much. You are a woman who wants to feel wanted by the man she loves. There is nothing shameful in that.
Not long ago, I answered a husband who wrote me the mirror image of your letter. He was the one always starting things, and he was tired of it. The roles were flipped, but the ache was identical. That tells me something. This isn't about men or women. It's about what happens when one person carries all the wanting in a relationship.
The sex isn't your problem. The wanting is.
Read your own letter again. When you ask, it happens, and it works fine. So the machinery is not broken. What's missing is the feeling that he is reaching for you. Asking for sex and being desired are two very different things. When you have to request it, sex becomes a favor he grants instead of something he craves. No wonder you feel worse afterward. Your body got what you asked for, but your heart got nothing.
That's what "he's there but he's not there" means. And it is not a small thing.
Now, why might he have stopped initiating? I can't tell you from here, and honestly, you can't tell yet either. Sometimes it's stress, exhaustion, or a health issue. Low energy and low desire in men can come from medication, depression, or hormones. Sometimes it's a habit: after eight years, roles settle in like furniture, and he assumes you'll ask because you always have. Sometimes a man is quietly afraid of getting it wrong, so he does nothing. And sometimes, yes, desire has cooled, and he doesn't know how to say so.
Here is where I'd gently push back on one thing. You say you've addressed it many times. I'd ask how. If it was at eleven at night, in bed, after another rejection, he likely heard, "You're failing me." Men hear that and go quiet, or defensive, or irritated in that way you described.
Try this instead. Pick a calm moment, far from the bedroom. Say it the way you said it to me, in one breath: "I love being with you, but I've started to feel like I'm begging, and I end up lonelier afterward. I want to feel wanted by you."
Stop talking and ask him what's going on for him.
Give him something concrete, too. Tell him what wanted looks like to you. A text in the middle of the day. A hand on your back while you're cooking. Him saying he's been thinking about you. Many men have no idea what initiating looks like, and they can't read minds, no matter how long they've known us.
As for not knowing how to start things yourself, you don't need a script. Touch him. Leave a note. Say "I've been thinking about you." Do it because it's fun, not as a test. But please don't let it become your permanent job.
And one warning, because I've watched so many women try it: don't go silent for a month to see if he'll notice. It almost always backfires. He may read it as relief, and you'll end up more hurt than when you started.
If he's been tired, flat, or not himself in general, a doctor's visit is worth suggesting. If talking gets you nowhere, a counselor can help you both find words you haven't found alone.
Now if you tell him plainly, kindly, and he still shrugs? Then this isn't about technique anymore. It tells you something about where the relationship is, and you get to decide what to do with that. Eight years is a real investment.
So is the rest of your life.
Warmly, Samarel, in the spirit of Deni
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Deni answered hundreds of letters like Angela's over the years. If you'd like more of her honest, no-nonsense advice on love and long-term intimacy, her collected letters are in:
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