Dear Deni Tip: Hotter Missionary Position Ideas That Change Everything
Deni answers a reader stuck counting ceiling fans, with seven small changes that turn the most familiar position into something new.
In Deni’s Spirit
Is the Missionary Position Boring?
Dear Deni,
My husband and I have been together many years, and missionary is where we land nine nights out of ten. It’s comfortable, it works, and I love him. But lately I catch myself studying the ceiling fan. Is missionary just boring, or are we doing it wrong? I don’t want to hurt his feelings by asking for more.
Cecilia
Dear Cecilia,
Put down the fan remote. Missionary isn’t boring. It’s just the position everyone stops paying attention to.
Think of it like your favorite song. Play it on repeat for eleven years, half-listening, and it turns into background noise. Change the volume, the tempo, one lyric, and suddenly you’re listening again.
(Nobody gets bored of the song. They get bored of how they’re playing it.)
Missionary has more going for it than any other position: faces close, bodies touching, hands free, kisses on tap. Intimacy comes built in. All it needs is a few tweaks. Seven, to be exact. Try one at a time, and keep your sense of humor in the room.
Here is my opinion about the position everyone calls basic: it asks the most of your attention and the least of your gymnastics. No props, no instruction manual, no hamstring risk. Which is exactly why it’s worth getting good at. The next seven tips are for you and your husband, read them together.
1. Slide a pillow under her hips for a new angle
One pillow, and the whole angle changes. Tilting the hips opens everything up, shifts the depth and puts pressure exactly where it’s been missing. It’s the smallest change on this list and, for many couples, the biggest result. (Firm beats fluffy, so fold the pillow if you need to.)
Start here.
2. Raise her legs: knees up or on his shoulders
Wrap them around his waist, bring the knees toward her chest, or rest her calves on his shoulders. Each version changes depth and angle, and each one feels like a different position. Go slowly, since higher means deeper, and say “easy” the moment you need it.
3. Change the tempo: slow down, then surprise him
Most of us run missionary on autopilot: same speed, same rhythm, same ceiling. Try slower than feels natural. Then pause. Then go deep and slow, then shallow and quick. Contrast is what makes the body pay attention. Count to five on the way in, if that helps. (Counting is allowed. Singing is not.)
Stop worrying about the finish line. Enjoy the scenery.
4. Close the gap: chest to chest, forehead to forehead
Lower yourself down. Skin on skin, hearts pounding against each other, foreheads touching. Less thrusting, more grinding. It’s the most connected version of missionary, and often the most intense. (Yes, it’s allowed to be romantic.)
5. Give a free hand a job
Missionary leaves hands free, so use them. A hand between her legs, a hand on his back, fingers in hair, a wrist held lightly above her head. A little added touch turns a familiar position into something new. Ask first, then get creative. Her hand, his hand, or both. Nobody’s keeping score.
6. Scoot to the edge of the bed
Move her hips to the edge of the mattress, with him standing or kneeling on the floor. Suddenly you have new leverage, new angles and (bonus) a new view. Put a pillow under her for comfort and a folded towel under his knees. Check the bed height first: too low and you’re doing yoga.
7. Keep your eyes open and your words coming
The most underrated tweak costs nothing. Look at each other. Say what feels good, out loud: “Right there.” “Slower.” “Don’t stop.” Dirty talk or sweet talk, either works. Eye contact makes it intense, and words make it clear. Whisper if you’re shy. Laugh if it comes out silly. Both count.
Together they turn routine into connection.
Make Missionary Your New Favorite Position
So, Counting Ceiling Fans, here’s what I’d do. Pick one tweak and try it this weekend. Tell your husband you love how close missionary makes you feel and you’d like to play with it a little. That’s not a criticism. That’s an invitation.
Next time you glance up, the ceiling fan won’t stand a chance...
Afterward, ask one question: what was your favorite part? Keep the answer, repeat it, and add a new tweak next week. In seven weeks you’ll have a brand new position and a smile you can’t quite explain.
Boring was never the problem.
Autopilot was.
Take the controls back.
From Samarel: the 'Man on Top' chapter of my eBook shows 17 illustrated variations, with stories and free printable posters (18+ only) here: 101 Sex Positions
Disclaimer: The information contained herein is for educational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for the diagnosis or treatment of any health problem, whether it be physical or psychological. 'Dear Deni' assumes no responsibility for how this material is used.
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