Seven Sexual Fantasizes She Has, But Will Never Tell You About
A guide to the desires most women carry quietly, and what it means for your relationship, if you actually pay attention
Can I tell you something you might not be aware of?
Women think about sex. A lot. With detail, with imagination, with scenarios that would genuinely surprise the people they're sleeping with. The idea that men are the ones walking around with an active fantasy life while women are just... present — that's one of the most outdated myths in relationships, and it quietly does a lot of damage.
Because here's what actually happens.
She has thoughts. Rich, specific, sometimes surprising thoughts. And she keeps most of them to herself — not because she's ashamed, but because she doesn't know how they'll land. Will he think she's weird? Will he take it the wrong way? Will it change how he sees her? So she stays quiet. She smiles. She says "I don't know, what do you want to do?"
And the fantasy stays exactly where it started. In her head.
So let's talk about what's actually in there.
She Wants You to Take the Lead, Completely
Not forever. Not in every room of the house.
But in bed, sometimes? She wants to hand the whole thing over.
This is probably the most universal female fantasy and also the most misunderstood one. Taking the lead doesn't mean being aggressive or rough or demanding. It means showing up with intention. It means you've thought about her, planned something, and you're going to guide the whole experience without her having to make a single decision.
She spends her entire day making decisions. What to eat, what to say, how to respond, what to prioritize. By the time she gets to you, sometimes the most erotic thing in the world is simply not having to think.
Walk in with a plan. Set the mood. Tell her what's going to happen, gently, confidently. Watch what that does.
You'll understand immediately why this fantasy is so persistent.
She Wants to Feel Completely Irresistible to You
This one isn't really about sex. It's about being seen.
She wants to catch you looking at her like you can't help it. She wants to feel like your attention, all of it, is on her, not because you're being polite or because it's Tuesday night, but because you genuinely can't look away.
The fantasy isn't about a specific act. It's about a feeling.
Tell her she's beautiful when she's not dressed for it. Look at her across the room and let her catch you. Say something specific; not "you look nice" but the exact detail you noticed, the thing only someone paying real attention would see.
That's the fantasy. Not lingerie. Not candlelight. Being wanted, specifically by you.
Slow, Deliberate, Completely Unhurried Sex
She fantasizes about sex with no agenda. No rushing toward the finish line. No sense that anyone is performing or tracking time. Just two people completely absorbed in each other, moving slowly enough that every sensation has room to land.
Most sex has an implicit urgency to it. Things escalate, the pace picks up, and before long it's over. Which is fine. But it's not the whole menu.
She thinks about the version where you spend an hour just touching her. Where you're so unhurried that she loses track of time entirely. Where the point isn't the destination but the entire journey, every unhurried minute of it.
Give her that sometime. Genuinely, with no rushing.
She won't forget it.
Being Appreciated After Sex. Not Just During
This one lives right at the edge of fantasy and need, and I think it belongs on this list.
She thinks about what it would feel like to be held afterward. Really held — not the brief arm-around-the-shoulder before someone reaches for their phone, but genuine closeness, quiet conversation, being asked how she felt, being told what that meant to you.
The afterglow, when someone actually stays in it with you, is its own kind of intimacy.
It deepens everything that came before it. It makes her feel like the whole experience mattered; not just the physical part, but her, specifically. That she was the point, not just the context.
Stay a little longer. Say something real.
You'd be surprised how much that one thing changes.
Make Love Somewhere Other Than the Bedroom
The bedroom is comfortable. That's also exactly why it can become invisible.
She thinks about a different room. A different time of day. A moment that breaks the routine so completely that everything feels new again. The kitchen at an unexpected hour. A hotel room somewhere neither of you has been. The back seat of the car on a road trip like you're twenty-two years old again.
It doesn't have to be elaborate. It doesn't have to be planned weeks in advance.
It just has to be different enough that she can't predict what happens next.
Novelty is genuinely arousing because it activates the same part of the brain that lit up when everything between you was still new. You can access that feeling without starting over.
You just have to be willing to leave the bedroom sometimes.
Sharing her sexual fantasies. Before sex happens
A lot of women fantasize about the conversation as much as the act.
The slow text in the middle of the day that describes what's going to happen tonight. The whispered mention over dinner. The anticipation that builds for hours before anything physical begins.
This is the fantasy of being thought about, of knowing that you're in his head, that he's been thinking about her specifically, that by the time they're together the wanting has been building for hours on both sides.
Anticipation is its own form of foreplay, and it costs nothing.
Send the text. Say the thing over dinner. Let her spend the afternoon looking forward to you.
That alone might be more erotic than anything that happens later.
Being Asked What She Actually Wants
This last one is the simplest. It's also the rarest.
She fantasizes about a partner who asks. Not "is this okay?" as a checkbox — but genuine, curious, interested asking. What feels good to you? What do you think about? What have you always wanted to try but never said out loud?
And then actually listens to the answer.
Most women have never been asked. So they've never said. And the thoughts just live there quietly, year after year, never making it into the actual relationship.
You don't have to guess at any of this. You can just ask.
Not in a clinical way. Not as a questionnaire. Over a glass of wine, in the dark, when the mood is easy and neither of you has anywhere to be. "Tell me something you think about." And then be the kind of person she can actually tell.
That openness — the feeling that she can say the real thing and it will be received well — is itself one of the most intimate things you can offer.
None of these fantasies are complicated. None of them require props or performance or anything beyond showing up with a little more awareness than usual.
They're about feeling desired. Feeling unhurried. Feeling like she's with someone who's genuinely curious about her, as a whole person with an interior life worth exploring.
She's not going to bring most of this up on her own.
But if you create the space for it, with how you touch her, how you talk to her, how you stay present afterward. She might surprise you.
And honestly? That's when things get really wet...
Samarel, in Deni's spirit
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Deni wrote many tips like the above the years. If you'd like more of her honest, no-nonsense advice on Sexual fantasies, her collected letters are in 'Dear Deni: Fantasies and Group Sex'
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