No Blowjobs, No Going Down. Can This Marriage Be Saved?
A 'Dear Deni' letter on oral sex refusal, from our intimacy and relationship collection
Dear Deni,
I am a 40 year old male, married to a beautiful lady 13 years younger than me. The problem I am struggling with in our marriage is the following stuff:
I would love to go down her, but she doesn’t let me.
I want her to go down me, but she won’t.
When it comes to sex, she only wants to do what she wants, and it is always the same one thing. We are together now for almost 5 years, married for one year. It has never been like this in the beginning. I would love to try new stuff and I am open for anything, bust she doesn’t want to try anything new. I am already sleeping in another bedroom. I already addressed the issue with her but it seems as if she doesn’t care. I love my wife very much, and I will never cheat on her. But lately I am thinking about other woman, and fantasizing have sex with them.
Please give some advice? BH
Dear BH
I can feel your pain and frustration. You are a giver and your wife doesn't know how to handle this. You say you have already spoke to her about this problem but I am not sure HOW you made this effort. You see, every problem a couple has can be solved with the right communication and the consent of both sides to be really honest to each other.
Next time you plan on making love offer her a different location.
This is very important. She is doing and liking the same thing because she feels safe in her comfort zone. Offer to take her somewhere. A short vacation out of home is a must for you two. Even a few hours during the week, but away from home.
When you get to your motel room, do not rush anything. Sit in the balcony with a glass of wine and tell her you want to talk about her needs and yours. Tell her she must be honest with you as you are with her. Ask her how much she loves you. Ask her how much it's important to her to see YOU happy and satisfied. Then tell her you miss sucking her pussy a lot. Ask her what she thinks of her pussy. Some women are afraid they have a bad smell coming from down there. Tell her she smells like heaven! and mean it. (I think you do). Be patient because she might not be...lead the conversation slowly as you would in sex....pick up your words carefully.
Does she reach orgasms easily during penetration?
If she does maybe she doesn't need your oral sex. Did you think about that option? I knew a woman who could have sequential orgasms from penetration. She let me perform oral sex on her only because she saw how much I liked pleasing her this way. Like, she was doing it for me...however, your wife may be satisfied with her sex life but she doesn't understand that if YOU will not be satisfied too, your marriage will eventually end.
Does she love to read erotic stories?
If not, offer to read something to her when you are in bed. And how about watching some delicate porn together? Did you know about the 'Porn for women' websites? They offer videos with long foreplay and detailed oral sex for women. It is porn indeed but softer than the regular porn. You may even enjoy it yourself...
Have you tried sex toys, together?
Does she have a private vibrator? Most women do. Is she ashamed of using one? Encourage her to try it. This can only help you making her cum even if you are doing it pretty well yourself.
Ask her what she thinks and knows about blowjobs
What is she afraid of? Is your dick too big for her? Maybe she has a rejection towards swallowing your liquids. Offer her to blow you without Cumming! (It is not a bad idea now and then to train your muscles and teach your dick to last longer). You can always cum later, with or without her. Masturbation is fun and a great friend. Watch videos of blowjobs but you must choose them carefully.
In order to help your wife understand your needs, you will have to be affirming and encouraging. She can easily have her feelings hurt, which will undermine her self esteem and self confidence. Without that self confidence, she will not feel inclined to experiment with you. Agree with her to try something new without making her committed to it. Then, show her how to do what you want her to do, thank her profusely as she makes her efforts to please you.
ALWAYS stay positive with her when you are making love.
Talk to her during the act...women are enchanted by words. Do not stop talking to her, softly and seductively. Guide her hands, her mouth, to teach her how you like it, where you like it, and what movements turn you on, what language (words and phrases) you get turned on by. Yes, ask her to make sounds too while sucking you to orgasm...
Have her permission to eat her pussy.
The next love making session is dedicated to her and her needs she wasn't even aware of. After you have her consent to give her oral sex, make your moves wisely. You will need to seduce her more than usual and you will have to MAKE her tell you what turns her exactly. Maybe she is not used to speaking of her needs loud and clear - this is the time for a change. Guide her into this new experience. Do not think of yourself at all while eating her pussy. Listen to her body, her lips, her joy...You are discovering her sexuality now and it's a lesson for life.
***
Your short vacation is done and hopefully you two discovered each other again. Now comes the real test - how to keep your sex life fulfilling within the daily routine...Always think what can you do other than what you have already been doing again and again. Remember, your mind is your best sex organ.
May your marriage be blest with love and satisfying sex.
Samarel, in Deni's spirit
Deni answered real letters for five years before she passed away. The questions never stopped coming, so this is where they keep getting answered, in her spirit, by someone who learned from her. If you want her original letters, start with the Dear Deni book series. If you want what's new, you're in the right place.
► Read more letters like this in Dear Deni: Intimacy and Relationships
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