Why do people stay after they already know they are not being chosen?
A 'Dear Deni' relationship tip from our 'Intimacy and Relationships' collection
Dear Deni,
I've been seeing a man for almost two years. He texts when he's bored, cancels when something better comes along, and has told me more than once that he "doesn't know what he wants." I know I'm not his first choice. I'm not sure I'm his second. And yet I stay, telling myself that if I'm patient enough, he'll finally see me. Why do I keep doing this when I already know the answer?
Marisol, 33
Dear Marisol
Honey, let's start with the best sentence in your letter: "I already know the answer." Most women who write to me are still arguing with the evidence. You've left the courtroom and you're standing in the parking lot, keys in hand, wondering why you haven't driven off. That's progress.
Here's why you haven't.
Hope is a slot machine. If he were cold every single day, you'd have left in month two. But then comes the Sunday when he's tender, makes you breakfast, says something almost sweet, and your brain pays out. Crumbs handed out at random are far more addictive than a steady meal. Casinos know this. So do men who "don't know what they want."
Then there's the time you've already put in. Two years feels like a deposit, and nobody likes walking away from a deposit. But a bad investment doesn't turn good because you keep feeding it.
Being desired and being chosen are two different things.
He may want you in bed, want your company, and want the way you laugh at his jokes. Wanting you when it's convenient is not choosing you. Chosen people get plans. Chosen people get introduced. Chosen people don't have to guess.
I know this one personally. Years ago I spent almost three years with a man who introduced me as "a friend of mine." I had a drawer at his place. A drawer, Marisol. Not a key, not a shelf, a drawer. I decorated that drawer in my head like it was a wedding venue.
I wasn't stupid. I was hoping.
What kept me there wasn't love, exactly. It was the belief that if I could win him, it would prove I was worth winning. And that, sweetheart, is the trap. You're trying to earn a verdict that only he can give from a man who isn't even in the courtroom. Meanwhile, your own opinion of yourself is quietly collecting dust.
So here's what I'd do.
Say one clear sentence to him. Not a fight, not a ten-paragraph text. Something like, "I want a partner, and I need to know if that's you." Then watch what he does, not what he says. A man who wants you will answer in a straight line. A man who doesn't will give you fog: "Let's not label things," "I'm just busy," "You know how I feel." Fog is an answer. It's just a cowardly one.
Then stop initiating for two weeks. Not as a game; as an experiment. If the silence is loud, you have your data.
Who would you be if you stopped waiting?
Last, ask yourself the real questions:
Who would you be if you stopped waiting?
What would your Friday nights look like?
Who haven't you called?
What have you postponed because part of your heart is on hold in his inbox?
That life is out there somewhere, probably a little annoyed at you.
You're not staying because you're weak. You're staying because hope is persuasive and loneliness is loud. Both pass.
And Marisol, someone who truly wants you will never make you audition for the role twice.
Chosen should feel like relief, not like a job application.
With love
Samarel, in Deni’s spirit
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Deni answered hundreds of letters like Marisol's over the years. If you'd like more of her honest, no-nonsense advice on love and long-term intimacy, her collected letters are in:
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