Sexless Marriage After Childbirth and Pain During Sex: What to Do When Your Wife Says She Lost Her Desire
A 'Dear Deni' advice from our 'Intimacy and relationship' collection
Dear Deni
Me and my wife are having a sexless marriage. It stopped after she gave birth (at the age of 48 and after many IVF treatments). She has serious health problems “down there,” and I understood that for a long period (about 7 years).
A few days ago I offered her to try again. I gave her a hot massage, kissed her, and tried to wake the beast again (she was a wild sex animal; that’s why I married her). I touched her all over and licked her pussy gently, but she felt nothing.
We even tried a slow penetration, and it hurt her.
I know that quote, “Touch my mind and you can have my body,” but it seems like it doesn’t work on her. I really don’t know what to do. Again, she claims out loud that she had lost it. She doesn’t have that sex urge anymore.
Thanks,
Husband
Dear Husband,
Let me start with the part you probably haven’t heard enough: seven years is a long time to be patient, and you were. You didn’t push, you didn’t sulk (at least not in your letter), and you tried again with a hot massage and slow, careful hands. That tells me a lot about the kind of man you are.
So before anything else, take a breath. You did not fail.
Why Your Wife Feels Nothing During Sex (and Why It Is Not Your Fault)
When you wrote that she “felt nothing,” I know it landed like a verdict. It felt like proof that the magic was gone, or that you had lost your touch.
Probably neither.
A woman who went through years of IVF, gave birth at 48, and has had lasting physical problems since is not living in the same body she had at 30. Hormones shift, tissue changes, and nerves can go quiet. Pain, once it has been part of sex for a while, teaches the body to brace and shut down before anything even begins. That isn’t a lack of love, and it isn’t a lack of skill on your part. It’s a body protecting itself.
I’ll say it once and move on: you told me she has already seen doctors, so I won’t send you back to the same waiting room. If her treatment has plateaued, a fresh opinion from someone who specializes in menopause or sexual pain can sometimes open doors that stayed closed before. That’s her call, and it should stay her call.
What I care about more is what happens in the space between the two of you.
What “I Lost It” Really Means After Years of IVF and Pain
Here’s something I’ve learned from years of listening to women, and from my own life.
When a woman says “I don’t have that urge anymore,” she is rarely only talking about sex.
She may be grieving. Think about what her body has been through: the hope and disappointment of fertility treatment, the physical toll, a late pregnancy, a birth, and then years of pain and silence. Somewhere in all that, she may have started to feel like her body belonged to doctors and hormones and a baby, and not to her.
The wild woman you married is still in there. But she may feel like a stranger to herself, and that is a very lonely place to stand.
And that quote you mentioned, “touch my mind and you can have my body”? It’s lovely, and it’s true for desire that’s already alive. But it can’t wake desire that’s grieving, because there’s nothing to switch on yet. She needs to feel safe, not seduced.
Which brings me to the thing most husbands in your shoes do without meaning to: they keep trying to “fix” the problem with one more attempt. Every attempt, no matter how tender, carries a question underneath. Is it working yet? And a woman who already feels broken hears that question loud and clear.
How to Rebuild Intimacy in a Sexless Marriage Without Pressure
So let’s change the question.
Take penetration off the table, completely, and tell her so. Say it out loud: “For now, sex is not the goal. I just want to be close to you.” Then mean it. You’d be amazed how much of a woman’s body unclenches when the pressure leaves the room.
Bring back touch with no destination. A foot rub while you watch something silly. A long bath. Kissing on the couch like teenagers who have to be quiet because the parents are home. No scoreboard, no finish line.
Talk with your clothes on. Choose a calm moment, away from the bedroom, over coffee or on a walk. Ask her what she misses, what scares her, and what feels good now (not what used to feel good). Then listen, and don’t try to solve anything. Let her say the unsexy, honest things.
Tell her what you miss, without blame. Not “you stopped wanting me,” but “I miss feeling close to you.” One of those sentences builds a bridge. The other builds a wall.
Let desire arrive late. For many women, desire doesn’t come first. It shows up after touch begins to feel good. If touch has felt painful or numb for years, desire never gets the chance. So give it time, and think in months, not days.
Will she ever be the wild woman again? I can’t promise that. But I can tell you that intimacy after a long drought rarely looks like the old version. Sometimes it’s quieter. Sometimes it’s slower. And sometimes, to everyone’s surprise, it’s deeper.
What About Your Needs? Loneliness in a Sexless Marriage
Now I want to talk to you, not about her.
Your needs are real. You’re allowed to feel lonely, rejected, and sad, even while you’re being endlessly understanding. Being patient doesn’t mean being invisible.
Please don’t swallow it all. Find somewhere for those feelings to go, whether that’s a counselor, a trusted friend, or a men’s group where people tell the truth. A husband who is quietly drowning can’t be the safe harbor his wife needs. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It’s part of the repair.
And if the day comes when you both want help figuring out intimacy together, a sex therapist who works with long-term couples can be worth every cent. Not because you’re broken, but because two people with a long history deserve a guide.
One last thing.
When a woman says “I’ve lost it,” sometimes what she’s really asking is whether you’ll still be here if she never gets it back. So answer that question first, and answer it often.
With warmth and a little mischief,
Samarel, in the spirit of Deni
Author of 'Dear Deni: Real questions, Real answers
P.S.
If she pulls away from every conversation about this, don’t push. Just keep the door open. Sometimes a woman needs to hear “I’m not going anywhere” a few dozen times before she believes it..
Deni answered hundreds of letters like this one over the years. If you'd like more of her honest, no-nonsense advice on love and long-term intimacy, her collected letters are in:
Dear Deni: intimacy and relationship
Disclaimer: The information contained herein is for educational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for the diagnosis or treatment of any health problem, whether it be physical or psychological. Consult your physician or a licensed medical professional for a detailed diagnosis of your particular medical problem. PSA guide assumes no responsibility for how this material is used.
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